Logline Critique 9

Title: The Third Gift

MG Fantasy

Instead of taking care of her baby sister eleven year-old Marisi wanted an adventure. But that was before their parents disappeared in a storm and a Witch took over their home. To save themselves, their parents and their home, the girls have to solve three impossible riddles before sunrise. All the while, statues with hearts are hoping, and islands with minds of their own are helping, to banish the witch forever.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Logline Critique 9

  1. This sounds like an interesting story- it kind of makes me think of Labyrinth, only with missing parents instead of a baby. I think if you swapped the order (or maybe just the phrasing) around, your first sentences would sound less passive. Something like “Eleven-year-old Marissi gets more than she bargains for when she wishes for adventure instead of babysitting duties: her parents disappear in a storm and a witch takes over her house! Now she has to solve three impossible riddles before sunrise in order to save herself, her home, and her parents – all while taking care of her baby sister.” To be honest, I think you could leave out the bit about the statues and islands, as they confused me, and didn’t seem to add to the stakes of the logline (even if they’re pertinent to the story).
    Hope this helps!

    1. Thank you so much! I love your suggestion. The “statues” and the islands are very central to the story but I realize it sounds odd when the story is this condensed. I was going to leave them out but decided to add them – that way I’d know how they sound to someone who has no idea what the story is about. And now I know – “confusing.” Thanks!

  2. I like this, except for the last sentence( the statues were hoping and islands with minds of their own…), which was a little confusing.

    1. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I wanted to see how the “statues” and “islands” sounded to people who don’t know anything about the story. Now I do – “confusing” – thanks again!

  3. I agree with K. Callard – you want to make that first sentence pop a little more, and combining the first two is a good way to do it, maybe with a little extra zing thrown in.

    I agree that the last sentence is confusing (although very mysterious and pretty); obviously, you know exactly what it means and it’s an important part of your plot and you want it to be in there because it’s probably what sets your book apart, but it’s not quite getting across with this sentence. Maybe include another line about the riddles instead, like, “To save their parents and their home, the girls have to solve three impossible riddles before sunrise – riddles that ____something about what the riddles are about/how they test the girls/etc._____.” Or maybe, if you want to keep something about the other plotline, something less poetic, like – “Marisi doesn’t know it, but she’s not alone in battling the witch either – all of nature it on her side!” Or whatever works.

    Just ideas! Of course, you know your story best!

    1. Thanks for your thoughtful response. I like your suggestions and I’ll work on incorporating them into the next (#101?) logline rewrite. This is the opportunity to experiment – to see what works, and what doesn’t – and although the “statues” and islands are essential to the story, they present complex situations that are tough to boil down in a few words. So maybe they shouldn’t be – maybe they can be left for the reader to discover a bit later on. Thanks again!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s