Logline Critique 8

Title: The Princess Wars

New Adult Science Fiction

Belle wants to be an inventor, not a queen. But when her kingdom’s exquisitely preened facade crumbles in an urban cave-in, swallowing her brother and exposing the mechanized rebel society beneath their feet, she must confront the schemes of her ambitious fiancé and ally herself with the Underground Revolution to save her kingdom from collapse.

 

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5 thoughts on “Logline Critique 8

  1. Wow, there’s a lot going on here, and I’m not sure I understand it all.
    Belle (I know I’m supposed to comment on the logline, not the story, but this name as royalty automatically makes me think Beauty and the Beast, just fyi) wants to be an inventor, not a queen. (this part is good, it shows her character nicely) But when her kingdom’s exquisitely preened facade crumbles (ok, this is where you start to lose me. Do you literally mean the walls fall down? It might benefit you to say it more clearly) in an urban cave-in, swallowing her brother and exposing the mechanized rebel society beneath their feet (were they living underground? did Belle know there was a rebel society, just not where it was? did the rebels cause the cave-in? I’m uncertain what’s literal and what’s figurative here), she must confront the schemes of her ambitious fiancé (is he part of the rebels, working to take Belle down?) and ally herself with the Underground Revolution to save her kingdom from collapse.
    I think if you can answer some of my questions and take out a few of the extraneous descriptive words (“mechanized” “exquisitely preened”) you would have a clearer logline that does justice to your story.
    Hope this helps. Good luck!

  2. I’m not sure what an “exquisitely preened facade” is supposed to be. Is this a literal facade? Or was some kind of intangible image shattered? Also, I’m not sure I know what “mechanized rebel society” means either. Are they robots? Or does mechanized refer to their method of organization?

    In general, I think there’s just too much info here. Try weeding the plot down to the most important details. For myself, I’ve discovered that this can sometimes mean overgeneralizing something that–in my mind–should be more detailed. But when I find myself in a situation where I’m just like “OH MY GOSH I can’t fit everything into these two sentences!!!” that’s usually where I remember “Oh yeah, the problem here is you’re trying for too much detail, Julie. Duh.” It can mean sacrificing details that I think are important, but in the end, it always reads better.

    Also, this isn’t a rule or anything, but another thing that helps me generalize is to keep my log line people down to two: the MC, and the person/people keeping the MC from accomplishing her goal. (For you, is that the finance? The rebels? Probably not the brother, but he’s there too. There’s just a lot of people at this party, know what I mean?) I’d try and cut anyone else out, for clarity’s sake.

    Good luck!

  3. I like gender role bashing, and love that Belle wants to be an inventor. Noting K’s comments above re: Disney, could you give Belle a cool, iconoclastic name? Also, I’m not clear on what an “urban cave-in” is – if you give more specifics, perhaps that will clear up some of the confusion re: literal and figurative facades. Great need, goal, and stakes here. Good luck!

  4. It seems that the major problem in this story is that “Belle wants to be an inventor” and that’s exciting, but, unfortunately, it’s completely lost in the rest of the logline.
    I do not understand this sentence: “But when her kingdom’s exquisitely preened facade crumbles in an urban cave-in” because there is not enough context to it.
    And you have switched to other subplots here: “swallowing her brother and exposing the mechanized rebel society beneath their feet” which loses the focus of your logline and confuses me.
    And then her fiance emerges at the end as an afterthought. I suggest you focus on the character arc and show how she is changed, not her society or other people around her. Focus on the main plot. This being said, I’m interested. Sounds epic and steampunk.

  5. You could flesh this out and still make it short by eliminating some words, especially adjectives, such as exquisitely, preened, mechanized (what does this mean, exactly?), and ambitious.

    And it does sound like an interesting steampunk. I’m glad to see the NA genre flesh out. Good luck!

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