Logline Critique 7

Title: THE SATIN SPY

Historical Young Adult

It’s 1684 French society, where young noble ladies are bred to marry, and men control everything. Adrienne wants more. Rejecting society’s prejudices and the Absolutism of Louis XIV, she helps a suave nobleman publish a treasonous pamphlet decrying Louis’s power. When they become targets of the King’s private bloodhound, Adrienne’s spiteful beau intervenes. After all, men know best, and his agenda has nothing to do with her fight for women’s freedoms.

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7 thoughts on “Logline Critique 7

  1. I think this logline could do with a bit of tightening and some more specifics. You could tighten the first sentences with just a few tweaks:
    “In 1684 French society, young noble ladies are bred to marry, and men control everything, but Adrienne wants more. Rejecting society’s prejudices and the Absolutism of Louis XIV, she helps a suave nobleman publish a treasonous pamphlet decrying Louis’s power, making them targets of the King’s private bloodhound.”
    The next bit I think could do with some clarification. Why is Adrienne’s beau spiteful? (jealous of the “suave nobleman?”) How does he intervene? Wouldn’t it be good to have someone stop her from being a target?
    Your last sentence doesn’t tell me much, as far as stakes go. Something more like, “When Adrienne’s beau (does x), (resulting in y), Adrienne must choose between protecting her life and furthering her cause.” (Which I’m assuming is the choice she has to make. If I’m wrong, obviously substitute her actual choice.)
    Hope this helps, and good luck!

  2. I definitely think you could cut this logline down, and it could have more of a punch! The use of “it’s” as the subject of the first sentence really doesn’t draw me into the story. Consider tweaking the fist sentence by combining it with the second one. I’m unsure about the last line – the tone seems to change here (“men know best” sounds sarcastic). The last line doesn’t integrate well into the rest of the logline. How does Adrienne’s fight for women’s freedoms (her need) fit in with her goal (which, I think, is to not get killed by the king)? It does sound like a cool concept and a exciting read!

  3. I always love a strong, capable female lead. I’m already cheering for her. I agree with above comments to tighten things up and especially K’s comments about getting in the choice or stakes for Adrienne – as is, the log line loses focus on Adrienne and turn its attention to the spiteful beau. But, you’ve probably changed that already. Good luck!

  4. This story sounds exciting. I think it would work better and will be more accurate if you said that French women of the time ruled behind the scene because that’s so true. They had great power as long as they hid in the dark. Why does she want to help someone who is a traitor to the king and put herself, her family, their reputation, their title in danger? What’s her angle? What did the king do to her to make her so angry? She wants more of what? Freedom? What does her beau do exactly when they’re caught? I like that they are caught; that amps the stakes. But does her beau betrays her? I’m confused because you say he “intervenes” but not to defend her? Also, it sounds like she believes he fights for women’s right. I did not get this earlier. I’m not sure I buy your story the way it’s written, but I’m sure hooked.

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