Logline Critique 41

Title: Jukai

Young Adult Horror

Rocky is a Reaper that doesn’t only collect souls, but can warp them. A talent that makes her the hottest commodity in an astrological thousand-year war that has all the constellations smiling shooting stars.

 

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14 thoughts on “Logline Critique 41

  1. Sounds intriguing. I’d like to know what the consequences of warping a soul are and how her talent plays into the war. What happens if she doesn’t develop that talent or use it? Good luck!

  2. Really interesting premise – would love to see where the astrological aspect of this fits in. Couple of line edits to tighten this up: “Rocky is a Reaper WHO [instead of that]” and “This talent makes her the hottest commodity…” to make that second sentence complete. Good luck!

  3. Hi, Ok, Rocky = Reaper = warp …. You had some nice reiterative prose there, but it sort of just vanished. Both in the drop from the repeat R’s as well as into the lack of impact for the war.

  4. LOVE this logline. Two changes to consider: as others have said, drop the perky ending sentence in favor of an obstacle, and tell us outright what warping is, what it does. Good job!

  5. I agree with the other commenters. The first part of your logline is interesting and exciting (my MG Fantasy is about a soul-collector too!). But then I didn’t understand the part about “constellations smiling shooting stars” – smiling doesn’t sound like a bad thing. Tell us what Rocky has to do (or avoid doing), what’s stopping her, and what happens if she doesn’t do it (or does do it, if she’s avoiding something).
    Hope this helps, it sounds like an interesting read! Good luck!

  6. Up to the word “war” you have my interest. Then you totally lose me with the rest. How about: “that has all the constellations vying for her favor.”

  7. Really love the concept of warping souls and the potential scope of the war. Only thing is I’m not sure I have a good sense of what the books plot will be. That said, I’m hooked by the concepts here.

  8. I agree with the previous comments. The premise sounds promising, but I don’t understand what the stakes are. You allude to them, but don’t grab me with them. I don’t know if you need the bit about constellations smiling shooting stars, I really don’t know what that has to do with your storyline, but I love, love, love the imagery!

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