Logline Critique 40


YA Adventure Fantasy

When seventeen-year-old Tess is plunged into an elemental war she embarks on a race across the globe with a group of unlikely allies. She must learn to harness her new abilities to save the boy she loves and prevent a brutal fire-starter from unleashing a catastrophic and deadly natural disaster.


9 thoughts on “Logline Critique 40

  1. The stakes are clear, the writing is crisp – nice job! I’d like to know a little more about her new abilities (I assume something to do with fire, but an elemental war may include all the elements). Good luck!

  2. I think this is great. It is concise, with clear stakes. To me, it reads the way a logline should – the way I’d like mine (#2) to read, but am having great difficulty with. Good luck.

  3. You have the right elements here, but the order needs tweaking. You want the inciting incident (being dropped into the new world) to incite the goal (save the boy). After that, you can tell us the how and the what’s at stake.

  4. Hi there! I really like the premise and this logline has the stakes, what’s at risk, and the main character’s goal. My only constructive criticism is maybe to change the wording a bit.

    -“race across the globe” could be reworded.
    -“unlikely allies” could be changed, too. I think you could use another word in place of unlikely that makes the logline really, really shine 🙂

  5. At first I was confused if “elemental” meant “elements” or “elementary.” I understand from the second sentence that you must be talking about the “elements,” but that’s initially a little confusing. Also, what is this race against? Time? Other teens? The bad guy? What is she racing to get? I guess I’m confused how bad guy fire-starter and herself are connected–why/how does bad guy affect her and lover boy? Does she have elemental powers too? Why is it her job to stop him?

    Upon re-reading this several times, I believe you might have all the correct elements here, but I think they need to be rearranged so it’s not as confusing.

    Good luck!

  6. I agree with the others. This logline is pretty good. The stakes are there, although a hint of what they’re racing against (like Julie above me said), and perhaps a bit more about the “new powers” she has to harness (water to fight fire?). Also maybe filling in why/ she has to save the boy she loves (captured by fire-started? living in path of natural disaster?)
    Overall, though, I like it. It has a kind of Last Airbender feel to it. Good luck with it!

  7. I agree with the previous comments. You covered all the bases letting me know what your story’s about. It sounds like a winner 🙂
    My only comment would be to maybe up the ante by explaining why she needs to harness her powers, like, will the world be swallowed by a giant, planet-eating, goldfish if she doesn’t? Eek!

  8. I think you have the basis for a very strong logline but some parts are a little vague for me. A few telling details can make a big difference. I would like to know how she is plunged into war–that might help explain the elemental aspect of it and what her new found powers are. Also, does the boy she loves also have new found powers? Does he love her back? For whatever reason it had be thinking X-men. Good luck! A few well-place details can make a huge difference.

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