Logline Critique 4

Title: The Oneironauts

MG Fantasy

After spending six lonely years living in Asylum Island’s rickety-crickety lighthouse, eleven-year-old Reverie West is more than ready to set sail with the five mysterious strangers who wash ashore one summer night. What she may not be ready for is their destination – Oneiros, the land of dreams, nightmares, and Revi’s mother.

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7 comments

  1. I like this one. I know it doesn’t follow the usual formula of giving stakes, but I want to know what’s going on. I think you raise just the right amount of questions.

  2. This sort of low-boil intrigue and eerie mystery is just my thing, but with my Objective Hat on I wonder about the following: Will fancy word in title be off-putting? Maybe have a 2-title dealio with “Sailing the Dream Sea, the Adventures of Revi and the Oneiornauts.” I do wish for more about why Mom’s an issue for her. I love the character’s name, and the whole concept. I would buy it for my daughter after reading it myself.

  3. I agree, great intrigue, but I’m wondering why Revi has spent 6 lonely years in that lighthouse, and also what’s the deal with her mom. Could you give just a touch more info to clarify those two things (which I’m guessing are linked, but don’t know for sure.)? Great job!

  4. “After spending six lonely years living in Asylum Island’s rickety-crickety lighthouse” I thought this did not tell me anything about the MC or what happened in the lighthouse during those 6 years. But I like that she is ready to go on an adventure with total strangers “who wash ashore one summer night.” You might want to precise what she will find at Oneiros “the land nightmares” that will change her or maybe explain why she was isolated for 6 years? I do not think the tidbit about he mom adds much to the story. as is. Maybe tell the reader what her problem is. Maybe she is lonely/does not relate to people well after living alone all this time/came up with very creative ways to do things and that puzzles other people and puts her in an uncomfortable spot?

  5. I like this logline. It provides the right amount of intrigue and mystery. At first I wasn’t sure about the ending, where it’s not clear why Revi’s mother would be on Oneiros and Revi would be on this island by herself, but I think that heightens the mystery in the story and makes you want to read it. I like it!

  6. I honestly don’t think I can add much to the existing comments. I would like to know a bit more about the circumstances that would leave a 5 year-old alone in a lighthouse. I do like the reference to her mom – it’s only a couple of words – and surely her mother would have the answers Reverie is looking for.

    Love how you build intrigue!

    I would caution the title. I don’t know how many middle school aged kids are familiar with classical mythology – Jason and the Argonauts. We have our own modern take on the word with astronauts. But you have to break the word, Oneironauts, apart to pull out “nauts.” And then the reader still doesn’t know what “Oneiro” references. There is often a fine line between confounding and intriguing. Since the title is the (potential) reader’s first introduction to the story, maybe it should be a bit clearer.

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