Logline Critique 39

Title: SASSY JAM

YA Contemporary

 When 16 yo expert sailor Shae accidentally commits a crime she must cross the Pacific to reach the only person who can help her. If crossing the Pacific doesn’t kill her, then love will.

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11 comments

  1. Like the premise and the adventure 🙂 But the stakes seem sort of vague. You also repeat ‘cross the Pacific’ Maybe reword so we know a bit more about what could happen to her if she doesn’t reach her goal (other than die crossing the ocean)

  2. I’d suggest spelling out “16-year-old”: the ‘yo’ is distracting, even for folks who know what it means. I love the fact that she’s an expert sailor: unique! But why would love kill her? Is there a backstory with the person she’s crossing the Pacific to see? Maybe add a hint or two about this. Good luck!

  3. Sounds interesting but I need just a little more information. What was the crime that would make her cross an ocean and how does love enter the equation?

  4. Too much of a cliche to say, instead of help her, “bail her out?” A little nautical humor… It is nice and short, but would like to know what the crime was. And I agree, you should only cross the Pacific once.

  5. I like your story idea, but like one of the above posters mentioned, I think it’s a little vague. The first paragraph seems fine (except, spell out sixteen year-old). I would expand the second one to explain her ‘love’ maybe. Good luck!

  6. Well, my first question is help her what? Escape? Prove her innocence? This is her goal so it can’t be vague. Next, you need to connect this with crossing the ocean since it seems that is the only way she can achieve this goal and that isn’t clear here.

  7. Hi there!

    It’s really intriguing that Shae is a sailor 🙂 I think the logline could be a bit more specific like, “Why is there only one person who can help her?” “What kind of crime did she commit?” “What else is at risk aside from possibly dying crossing the ocean?”

  8. I agree with the other commenters. Your premise is interesting, but the logline is lacking specifics. Spell out “sixteen-year-old.” Let us know what crime Shae accidentally commits and why she has to cross the ocean to get help – is the person she’s seeking help from the love that will kill her? Why will love kill her? The love part seems to come out of the blue. I’m guessing the person she needs is a love interest/pest and they’re at each others’ throats? So they need to survive the ocean voyage and each others’ company?
    I think if you fill in specifics this logline will really work. Good luck with it!

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