Logline Critique 38

Title: The Relic Heir

MG Fantasy Adventure

When Kyle inherits a magical relic on his fourteenth birthday, he’s sucked into an ancestral curse cast by the ruthless Russian witch, Baba Yaga. Faced with his family’s violent past, his father’s “suicide” and fatal flirtations with a foreign female fraternity, Kyle must find a way to restore his fractured family before he–and they–never have a future.
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10 thoughts on “Logline Critique 38

  1. I’m unsure what “foreign female fraternity” means. Is it a concept specific to your fantasy world? Is there a connection between his family’s violent past and his father’s suicide? Right now, it seems those concepts are separate. I think you could raise the stakes by providing more backstory on why Baba Yaga is after Kyle’s family specifically. If they did something horrible, I would want a hint of that in the logline!

  2. Great to see something with Baba Yaga! I’d love to see more specifics on the curse and how it relates to the problems of the second sentence.

  3. Good choice to put Baba Yaga in here – I always like when fantasy isn’t a complete invention, but takes something from mythology/existing fantasy as well.

    To me, just from the logline, these elements seem more YA than MG – have you thought about aging your MC up a tad and doing it that way?

    I think the first sentence is solid, but I get a little lost on the second sentence – maybe you’re trying to put too many plot points in so it ends up sounding a little vague/confusing? Maybe something clearer like, “If Kyle can’t ____(whatever his task)______, then he and his family will be _____(whatever the stakes)______.”

    Just ideas!

  4. The goal here “must find a way to restore his fractured family” is too vague. What is he restoring them to? And does he actually want to restore them or just find a way to do it and then stop? This is the main element of a logline so it needs to be really clear.

  5. Hello 🙂

    I really like the beginning of the logline. I think you could specify a little more on the “ancestral curse.” What’s the curse? What’s the consequences/stakes?

    -“Kyle must find a way to restore his fractured family before he–and they–never have a future.” I believe this line can be reworded or more specified so readers now what is exactly at risk.

  6. This would make more sense to me if the fatal flirtations with a foreign female fraternity came before the “suicide”. Currently it reads like the fourteen-year-old is having the fatal flirtation (or is that what it’s supposed to mean??)

    It would also heighten the interest if you could touch on what the curse is, rather than give us unspecific goals.

  7. I think above commenters covered pretty much everything: I need to make the stakes clearer/more specific “restore his fractured family before they never have a future” is vague. I think also if you dropped the alliteration, you’d find yourself freer to use the words you need. As well, you can’t have a female fraternity (fraternity = brotherhood).

    Another general comment: Age 14 is in a dead-zone for books. Up to 12 is considered MG, 16 and up is YA. (Trust me, I’m speaking from experience. My MC started as 14, and I called the book Upper MG – which isn’t really a thing – now he’s 12 and the book is firmly MG). I think you need to do the same. Either age him up to 16 in a YA(is there romance? dark humor? is he changing the world?) or age him down to 12 for an MG (is he finding his place in the world? does he have a crush that doesn’t get beyond a little kiss?)
    Anyway, hope this helps. Your story sounds really interesting, I think with a bit of tweaking your logline will reflect that.

  8. Oh, the Oxford comma. Is it:
    Faced
    1) with his family’s violent past,
    2) his father’s “suicide” and
    3) fatal flirtations with a foreign female fraternity

    Or is it

    Faced
    1) with his family’s violent past,
    2) his father’s “suicide” and fatal flirtations with a foreign female fraternity

    Without the comma after the “AND” it makes the phrase unclear.

  9. I love this concept. It feels dark and fast-paced. And you get across some of the nuances of the story very easily with your choice of words i.e. suicide in quotation marks. The last sentence though has so many words that start with the letter f that I found it a bit distracting.

  10. Your log line is action packed, to be sure. I was just a bit confused by the violent family history. Was his family violent? Or was there violence against his family? Also, how can flirtations be fatal unless he, or she, is dead? Might want to clarify there, IMHO. Other than that, I really wanted to know more about your book!

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