Logline Critique 37

Title: The Disappearance of Sloane Stevens

YA Contemporary

The only thing seventeen-year-old Sloane Stevens wants after nearly eight years on the run is to finally be released from witness protection. But when she runs into someone from her past on her first day as Sloane–her last first day ever–she has a choice: disappear before her cover’s blown and risk her imminent release, or stay and risk being found by the people who’ve been looking for her.
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10 thoughts on “Logline Critique 37

  1. Sounds interesting! I don’t understand “her last first day ever.” And I think you could strengthen “found by the people who’ve been looking for her” maybe “found by the killers she put in jail.”

  2. Agree with both points in the comment above. I was confused by what “last first day ever” meant: first day of school? First day in another new identity? And I think using specificity in the last sentence would really draw the reader in. Other than that, this logline shows strong writing and an intriguing premise. Good luck!

  3. I’m a little confused (although intrigued). If she’s on the run, and wants out of witness protection, has she been in witness protection all that time? If so, is this “first day” eight years ago, or after running is she just now in witness protection?

  4. I agree with the others. I don’t understand if this is her first day NOT in witness protection (in which case hasn’t she already been released from it?) Also, the stakes aren’t clear. What are these people going to do to her if they find her? And if it’s bad, why would she even CONSIDER not running? Choices are all about balance. They need to be equal in importance or they aren’t hard to make.

  5. I like the idea that she will have a difficult choice to make and that she has an interesting past, but if she’s been on the run, how do her parents (or foster parents) figure into this?

  6. Hi 🙂

    This is very interesting: witness protection program. I really want to know a bit about the “why” behind the witness protection program and what happened.

    -“risk being found by the people who’ve been looking for her.” Are the intentions of the people looking for her are to kill her? Hurt her? Use her? I think you could add the reasoning.

  7. I think deleting “her last first day ever” would tighten this up. You have done a nice job and it sounds like a great book. I would just work on tightening up and making sure every word is needed in this logline. It feels a little bit wordy.

  8. I think you have a pretty good logline here, but there are a couple of things confusing me. After a few readings, I think this is the plot: Sloane wants to be released from Witness Protection, and she’s on her “last first day” (which I think means her last day in a new identity), so she can disappear (with the help of WP) and probably not get released, or stay, hopefully be released soon, but maybe get killed by the people she’s hiding from?

    If I’m right, then a couple of tweaks would clarify this and you’d be good to go. How about something like this: After eight years and countless identities in witness protection, Sloane Stevens is counting the days until her release from the program. But when she runs into someone from her past on the first day of what was supposed to be her last new identity, she has a choice: inform witness protection and go back into hiding, or stay silent and risk being found by the killers she helped put in jail. (This is a bit on the long side – it clocks in at 71 words, but I think it clarifies things)
    Hope this helps – it sounds like I great story and I look forward to seeing it on shelves one day!

  9. Personally, I would delete the “her last first day ever” part. It’s distracting from your plot line. I’m also unsure as to why she wouldn’t just flee. The stakes feel stacked against her if she stays, as in, why the heck would she stay? This is, for me, because I’m not sure what’s meant by “risk her imminent release”. That doesn’t sound too bad, especially because you already mentioned she wants to be released. If you squeeze in an explanation of the (terrible, I assume) ramifications of her early release, I’m sure I’d be sucked right in to the life altering choice before her. Good luck!

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