Logline Critique 36

Title: THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE SKY

YA Scifi

When the search for her kidnapped sister is called off, heiress Hazel Lennox runs away and joins The Greatest Show in the Sky, a galaxy-traveling circus, to continue the hunt herself. But the sadistic ringleader knows something about her family’s genetic code that she doesn’t, and Hazel may not have time to find her sister before she becomes the next circus attraction.

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10 thoughts on “Logline Critique 36

  1. Love the idea! I’m wondering what Hazel is heiress to, what becoming the next circus attraction would do to her, and how it would prevent her from searching for her sister (she’d still be traveling the galaxy, right?). But you’ve hooked me, I want to read on. Good luck!

  2. This is VERY interesting, and I’m 90% sold on the premise just from the original logline. What could get it to 100% is connecting the dots between the search for Hazel’s sister being called off and why she has to join the circus to continue the search. Is there someone in the circus Hazel suspects is involved in the disappearance? Does joining the circus give Hazel the freedom she needs to continue the search? If there’s a way to connect the called-off search to joining the circus, this will be great. Good luck!

  3. You’ve raised lots of questions. Great! I’m wondering if you might change the emphasis on the ringleader’s knowing something to a more menacing intent.
    Love the last part ‘Hazel may not have time to find her sister before she becomes the next circus attraction.’ What I’d change: you could give it a more Sci-fi galactic feel.

  4. I’m confused by this: “But the sadistic ringleader knows something about her family’s genetic code that she doesn’t” -> If she doesn’t know about it, how does she know she needs to avoid it in order to reach her goal?

  5. I liked this logline, I think you gave us good stakes, and I would read on. I do agree with the others that it would be stronger if I understood the “genetic code” reference, or how/why she would be another circus attraction (are they going to mutate her?) – also, it made me wonder what her job is at the circus if she’s worried about becoming an attraction (I would consider circus performers attractions).
    I *did* however, understand that she joined the circus to hunt for her sister because it travelled the galaxy, although I can understand why others didn’t. You could probably fix that by simply moving “galaxy-travelling circus” before “The Greatest Show in the Sky.” (Which is an awesome name/title btw.)
    Good luck with this one!

  6. The only thing that has my concern, and probably would not get me to read, is the word “galaxy.” A galaxy-traveling circus would travel to other galaxies, something that is very, very, seldom done. Not even “Star Wars” traveled to other galaxies: in A galaxy far. far. away. A simple rewording would clarify: a circus traveling the galaxy.

  7. I want to read this book!! Its got all the elements I love in a story. Is the family genetic code also the reason her sister was kidnapped? If so, maybe find a way to link that in so the two story lines are more intertwined i.e. a shared threat/danger/stakes, etc. At the moment the sister storyline is a bit disconnected (so in danger of looking like a device to get her to the circus as opposed to an integral part of the plot). For example, you could take the sister story line completely out of your logline and it would still be a compelling story i.e. Heiress Hazel Lennox runs away and joins The Greatest Show in the Sky, a galaxy-traveling circus. But the sadistic ringleader knows something about her family’s genetic code that she doesn’t, and if Hazel’s not careful she just may just end up becoming the next circus attraction. Having said all that, the fact you can get a compelling logline from just one of your story lines says a lot about what a great story this is shaping up to be.

  8. I want to read this book! The only thing that made me pause in your log line (and this is me nitpicking) was her risk of becoming a circus attraction. I would assume then that the position she holds with the circus is something akin to popcorn hawker? Otherwise, wouldn’t she already be a circus attraction if she was starring in it?

  9. Hi there 🙂

    I really like this premise! It’s very colorful to me. I hope I’m making sense.

    -“is called off” I think could be rephrased maybe into “dead-end.” Something with a little more dramatic effect.

    -“may not have time to find her sister.” So maybe this could be reworded as “runs out of time.” A word choice that matches the stakes presented in the logline. Other than that, this is a very good logline 🙂

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