Logline Critique 35

Title: The Problem with Hope

Adult Murder Mystery

Adopted daughter Bernie Robertson needs help for a recurring nightmare where she’s being chased by a killer, and she’s also separating from an abusive husband. When Bernie’s husband is jailed and her apartment is trashed, she leaves for Texas where she will find her birth mother and learn the truth behind the nightmares.

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8 thoughts on “Logline Critique 35

  1. Is she dreaming she’s separating from her abusive husband? If not, I’d make that a separate sentence. If she goes to learn the truth behind the nightmares, plural, it sounds like the husband is part of the dream, even though we know he’s in jail.

  2. I don’t think you need ‘adopted daughter’. Also, keep her goal front and center. It’s not quite delineated enough to root for her yet. Good luck!

  3. Agree that you should delete ‘adopted daughter.’ Since you use ‘birth mother’ in the next sentence, the adopted part is implied. Consider putting more focus on the murder mystery part – as it reads now, I thought this would be categorized as Women’s Fiction until I checked the genre tag. Good luck!

  4. This really doesn’t tell us what this character wants or why she wants it. Are these nightmares ruining her life? Does she actually WANT to find her birth mother and if so, how does this help with the nightmares? Also, it sounds like she gets rid of the husband rather quickly so I don’t see his relevance here.

  5. I can’t tell if the dreams are about being chased by a killer AND separating from her husband, or if those are two separate thoughts.Agree with above people–delete “adopted daughter.” Good luck to you!!

  6. I agree with the other commenters. I think you need to focus more on the murder mystery part of this – who dies and how/why is Bernie the one investigating? What will happen to Bernie if she doesn’t solve the mystery? It sounds like most of the action revolves around the birth mother/some past event, so maybe you cut the abusive husband from the logline (You don’t have to give the full story in the logline, just enough to get an editor/agent hooked). If the husband *is* part of the stakes, slip him in at the end (ie: “all while avoiding the abusive husband she’s running from.”)
    Hope this helps.

  7. “Adopted Daughter” kind of sidetracked me – I don’t think it’s important here. Generally I’m a bit confused by the information: Has the nightmare to do with her husband, is she fleeing him? I feel I am getting a lot of backstory, but don’t know what is at stake for Bernie…

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