Logline Critique 34

Title: Shards

Fantasy

Alyssa’s known her whole life she might be the savior or destroyer of all realms.  Yes, she has magic, and is more than human. But beyond that is anyone’s guess. She’s just trying to stay alive, let alone find out what her destiny means. Hunting demons hasn’t worked.

At last Chris found her little sister. Somehow she’s inherited a dark twisted power. Now Chris must decide between her duty as Angelus and family.

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9 comments

  1. Your opening line hooked me, but I have to admit I got lost after that and have too many questions. Who or what is trying to kill her? Is Alyssa your main character, or Chris? The addition of the Chris paragraph seems unnecessary, and it isn’t clear how it relates to Alyssa (is Alyssa Chris’s sister). And what is an Angelus? I’d keep your logline focused just on your MC and her dilemma. Good luck!

  2. I think you need to stick with one main character. It sounds like it’s Alyssa, from what I read. I would cut the second paragraph completely(it lends too much confusion) and try to sum up the first paragraph with Alyssa’s dilemma/goal in the story. Good luck!

  3. I agree with the comments about Chris, the secondary character. It pulls us away from the Main character and her issues. And I was also confused by Angelus and family. Her duty as “Angelus and family” sounds like a title? Good luck with this.

  4. I’m confused how Alyssa and Chris go together. Is there are duel POV happening in this story? It just seems like you have two different books here. Maybe try to decide who the MAIN main character is, and write a logline from that angle. You can still include both characters, but make it feel as though they are the same story, instead of two separate books. Be sure to include what (or who) the conflict is too–I seem to be having a hard time distinguishing what the goal is and what it is that’s keeping her (him?) from accomplishing it.

    Also, I’m not sure how to reconcile “she might be the savior or destroyer of worlds” with “she has magic and is more than human. But beyond that is anyone’s guess.” How does she know she’s going to be the savior or destroyer of worlds, but at the same time not know what she is? It’s a little confusing.

    Good luck!

  5. I have to agree with the others. Even if this is a dual POV, I would just focus on Alyssa, and her problems – I think if you explain her situation more clearly we’d be really hooked.
    I think your first sentence is solid, although later you refer to her destiny – so maybe instead of saying “she’s known she might be” maybe say “her destiny could include” or “known she was destined to.” I think that maybe if you focus on how/why she’s “just trying to stay alive” – is her magic backfiring? Is someone/thing hunting her? – you might be able to figure out the stakes, and really hook readers.
    I hope this helps!

  6. Alyssa’s known her whole life she might be the savior or destroyer of all realms. Although human, her magical ability to hunt demons keeps her second-guessing that as she tries to figure out her destiny.

  7. Everyone has already said that you need to focus on one POV and I agree. You could mention the second one as it relates to helping or hindering the main character’s goal, but beyond that it’s too confusing.

    Ignoring the second part, I do think the first part needs more information on who is trying to kill her. It sounds like her goal is to stay alive, but we don’t have anyone actually trying to stop there here. If her goal is actually to find out her destiny, then you need to be more clear on what that means and why she needs to find it.

  8. Wow, that’s a lot of pressure on a girl to know you’re either going to save everyone or destroy everyone and nothing in between. I think I’d lock myself in a closet 😉
    Why is she just trying to stay alive? You mention demons, but not the big baddie of your book. Hook me with what she’s up against.
    I also agree that the second paragraph is off putting. Without knowing more about your book, as is, I’d simply delete it. Great start though!

  9. The first line had me instantly! But after that I yearning for more – why does she hide, are the demons out to get her? What happens if she doesn’t succeed? And The second paragraph totally threw me – I felt it came from a different book. I think it’s enough to draw me with one character – after all if you manage to hook me to one and connect me emotionally you already got me reading!

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