Logline Critique 32

Title: Silver in the Blood

Adult Historical Romance

She has the power within her, but lacks a man beside her. He was not supposed to be part of her world, but maybe she can find wholeness with him. For if she cannot become whole, then her village is doomed and he will never find home.

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8 comments

  1. I know the whole point of a romance novel is having the two lovers smash up into each other’s lives, and hopefully find a happy ending … but I need a little more to hang my hat on. A hint at what her power is, or what the doom is, or why she can’t be whole without a man, or why he can’t get home. I know you can’t explain in detail with a logline, but give us a taste of her specific problems.

  2. Hi, I love a good historical romance, but I personally found this logline a bit too vague. For example, who is the heroine? The village overseer? And she has the power to do what? Is this a mystical power or a sort of authority? Who is the he in the second sentence? And while the connection between the heroine’s wholeness and the village’s future is clear, the connection between her wholeness and the hero finding a home isn’t. I’m no professional, and it’s difficult to propose changes without the specifics of your story, but perhaps you can try fiddling with something like: “If [Heroine] cannot find wholeness with a man, she won’t be able to access the power within her to save her village from doom. [Homeless Hero] is her best bet at [wholeness], but he wasn’t supposed to be part of her world.” Good luck!

  3. This is kind of nebulous.
    I like the through-line struggle of your MC. You’ve raised good questions, but not given us enough to care about her yet. A few added details will help set the scene, give the time period and establish what she really wants. Is it wholeness, or to help her village?
    What’s missing for me is the core conflict. It’s not crystal clear.
    I like the essence of the last sentence and the idea of her helping him find home.
    With a little refining, this will shine. Good writing!

  4. I think the other commenters are dead-on with their notes for you. In order to strengthen this you need to get specific. Rebecca gave you a great template to tighten this up. I’d also add the name of your MC, so we can connect better with her.
    Good luck!

  5. Thank you all!

    You are all pretty much spot on. I lost the copy I had previously drafted and was a lot more happy with.

    Mike

  6. I don’t like characters that “need” others. You also weaken her. “I can’t function with a man to help me.” Yes, I know that’s vulgar, but that is what I hear when I read this.

  7. First, you need to re-word the “lacks a man” and “find wholeness” parts or I’m going to make vomit noises. It’s okay if she requires his help or needs a husband because of some prophecy, but please don’t make it sound like she’s some pathetic wallflower who can’t stand up without a man. Most of the readers of romance are women and the majority of us don’t like to be insulted by the books we read. Okay, off soapbox now…

    Next, we really need to focus on her goal here which is saving the village (I think). Start with why she needs to do that and then tells us why she needs him to do it or why he will make it difficult. The hero in romance is often the character who she least wants to pair up with and yet needs to meet her goal. Make that clear. Good luck!

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