Logline Critique 3

Title:  REDEFINED

YA Contemporary

17 year old Cat craves independence, but guilt stops her from doing anything to upset her parents since her mother is sick and her father is crazy overprotective. When Cat falls for a boy who actually appreciates her brain, she must choose between peace in her family or her own happiness.
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6 comments

  1. This sounds like an interesting story, and I think getting just a bit more specific will tighten up your logline. Your first sentence is great (although seventeen-year-old should be spelled out and hyphenated). “When Cat falls for a boy who actually appreciates her brain (you haven’t said anything about her brain before this, so it sticks out. Is the independence she’s seeking going off to school and leaving her sick mom?), she must choose between peace in her family or her own happiness (the logline doesn’t tell us why she has to choose between a boy and her family – is her dad *that* overprotective that she can’t even date? You could say that. “a dad so overprotective she might as well be grounded” or something of the like. Or is the boy heading off to the college she wants to attend? – Getting specific will give you real stakes and make an agent/editor/reader care about what’s going to happen.)
    Hope this helps!

  2. Be specific, the round about just takes time and your word count. Also, pin point the quest for independence. Does she want to go to school, leave for her dream competition? Tell us what, and why.

    Good luck.

  3. I can see how a story like this COULD be a good read, but you aren’t drawing me in from this logline. As I was researching logline tips for this critique, something K. Callard said stuck out to me. Her whole post about queries and synopsiseseses (haha… how would you write that word!?) is worth a read (https://kcallard.wordpress.com/2015/06/18/query-synopses/) but I particularly liked this bit about characters, which pertains to what you have going on here:

    “When it comes to describing your MC, make sure you’re not falling back into clichés, or generic information. You want your character to stand out. Saying “Sixteen-year-old Madison is the most popular girl at school” or even worse that “Carol Liu is just an average twelve-year-old” does nothing to make your character unique. But saying “sixteen-year-old Madison is a shoo-in for prom queen, but she’d rather spend the night playing video games” or “Twelve-year-old Carol Liu spends her time day-dreaming about horses while pretending to do her homework” creates a much deeper impression.”

    I’d try to flush out a unique detail or two about your character or her situation that would make this log line sparkle a bit more. I know it’s hard, since you ONLY HAVE SO MANY WORDS!! Haha! But I think it’d help a lot.

    Good luck!

  4. I am intrigued by the family dynamics, but this log line doesn’t really tell me what is unique about your “girl loves boy” story. What is mom sick with? Is it fatal? Why is dad overprotective? Has the narrator done something to make Dad distrust her? A girl who has misstepped, would be more interesting than a “woe is me dad is too paranoid”/”goody-two-shoes misunderstood teen girl.”

  5. I agree with what K said. I’d really like to hear more about the family dynamics in this one and what makes the boy so special. I’d definitely try to highlight what’s unique rather than being vague. This sounds like it could be an amazing story, make it sound like IT IS an amazing story.

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