Logline Critique 26


YA Contemporary Fantasy

All sixteen-year-old Bex Strange wants is to escape the oppressive Nebraska town where her mother jumped to her death from her father’s memorial bridge. When the mysterious Mr. Pembridge offers Bex a ticket to an orphans-only summer camp, she finds herself in a Victorian-era village with a dark and twisted fountain of youth, challenging everything Bex thought she knew about death. She must confront the ghosts of her past in order to escape.


7 thoughts on “Logline Critique 26

  1. I want to know more about the town. Is she going back in time? Is this a hidden town? Is there magic at play besides the town’s existence? Clearly, I’m interested. My only real reservation is her name. It seems too on-point to have your character named “strange.” It may make perfect sense to the story though.

  2. Ooh, love, love, love this. I’d read it in a heartbeat. It’s intriguing, it’s got stakes, and it’s such an interesting story.
    I might just rearrange the last sentence: “In order to escape, she must confront the ghosts of her past.”
    Good luck with this!

  3. I love the idea that mom jumped off the bridge dedicated to her father’s memory. It probably isn’t all that important to the log line to mention the man that gives her a ticket. Rather, spend those precious words on explaining the fountain (what is twisted, the physical shape or the power of it?) and the connection to past ghosts – her parents or someone else?

  4. Very intriguing. Love the first sentence. There might be a grammar problem with, “…she finds herself in a Victorian-era village with a dark and twisted fountain of youth, challenging everything…” not sure what’s doing the challenging, the village, the fountain? If you break that into two sentences it would solve the problem.

  5. Very unique setup and story! Love the speifics about the bridge, and I want to know more about the town and the rules of death right away. For some reason orphans-only Summer camp jarred me, why orphans only? Could if be just a regular summer camp?

    Id definitely read this, though.

  6. This one is suffering from what is known as the negative goal. If her goal is to escape this town where her parents died, then she has met it as soon as she gets to this Victorian village. But then you say her next goal is to escape that village so I’m wondering where she’s escaping to next. The only way to fix this really is to specify a tangible goal (ie, a place she wants to get TO rather than a place she needs to run from). Otherwise, she’s in an endless loop of escaping and we can’t envision the end. Good luck!

  7. If I’d pick that up in a shop, I’d be very likely to continue reading. There are so many neat twists that intrigued me from the start – that mysterious guy, an orphans-only village – and set in another era – and finally she has to confront ghosts! The only thing that threw me was that we start with her wanting to escape and once she escapes she wants to escape from there. Maybe it is just a simple matter of finding another word for the second and turn it into something positive?

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