Logline Critique 24

Title: Black Reign

YA Dystopian/Sci Fi

When sixteen-year-old Axel Black is accused of plotting a rebellion and enslaved in a micro-totalitarian society, he must topple a regime that has killed almost everyone dear to him.

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7 comments

  1. I like this one because it is concise. Two things. I’ve read not to use character names in a longline (unless you need it for clarification, like the longline is two sentences). Also, what will happen to him if he doesn’t topple the regime?

  2. Nice stakes, but this went long, it also just doesn’t work for me. ” a micro-totalitarian society” Leaves me with no impression, Yes, I can put the two word meanings together, but realistically I’m finding that they do not mean anything.

  3. I agree with the other commenters. I wasn’t sure what “micro-totalitarian society” meant, maybe you re-phrase it in a more obvious way (you have lots of room to play with words here). Also I think your ending needs an “or else…” What happens if he doesn’t topple the regime? Death? Permanent enslavement? Simple revenge doesn’t make great stakes.
    Hope this helps. I think you’ve got an interesting story here.

  4. So this is intriguing and would probably be enough to make me personally interested but I also feel like its kind of generic. Besides the “micro totalitarian” part the rest of your logling could be tacked onto to any dystopian book. What are the stakes(besides a thirst for revenge)? what makes your novel stand out, your character stand out? I think it needs a little more focus on what makes the story unique.

  5. I agree with the generic feel of the logline. You need something specific and unique to add to this. What makes your novel different from other dystopian novels?

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