Logline Critique 23

YA contemporary thriller
A jock and a math geek form an unlikely partnership after their respective siblings’ deaths in order to trap a killer who masks his murders as accidents. If they fail, they could end up as his next victims.

6 thoughts on “Logline Critique 23

  1. Sounds good, I like the oddball pairing. I find myself wondering how they know the deaths weren’t accidents but, it is a logline after all, I guess I’ll have to read the story. Good premise

  2. Hmm…I feel like I’ve seen this before, maybe in another contest or on another writers’ website. I like the idea. I think you’ve set the story up well. It sounds like a great mystery.

  3. I think you did a goo job with this logline, you’ve got stakes and kept it short and sweet, and I’m definitely intrigued by the book (mysteries are my weak spot). My only comment is that from this logline I don’t know who the MC is. If it’s a dual POV, keep it as is (or since you have the space, you could add “Told from a dual POV” to the end. If only one is your MC I’d phrase it as “a jock teams up with a math geek” (or vice versa).
    Good luck with this one!

  4. I like the premise, but that poor first sentence is doing a lot of heavy lifting. Maybe you could find a way to break it up, and add names to help us connect. ” Name, a jock, and Name, a math geek, both lost a sibling. They form an unlikely partnership…” I don’t actually like what I just wrote, but you get the idea.

  5. I like how concise this is – so hard to do 🙂 The last sentence is great – very punchy and the stakes are very clear. I agree the first sentence could be tweaked just to improve the flow. Maybe try putting the inciting incident first? After their respective siblings’ deaths, a jock and a math geek…

  6. Love mysteries and your logline is to the point.
    The fact they both have sibs who were murdered feels coincidental, which I think is a no-no in the mystery business. Hope there’s a reason they both died. Were they maybe dating or at the same party or something like that, which would take the coincidence out of it.

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