Logline Critique 21

Title: From Shadow’s Perspective

YA; contemporary paranormal thriller

Orphaned seventeen-year-old Sarah Whitman’s heart’s desire is to live on her own with her ghost-seeing dog, Shadow. But if the court discovers the mentally-unstable Dr. Claudia Griffin, her dog’s former veterinarian, has broken into her house, she fears that the authorities will deny her petition for emancipation.  When Sarah investigates the death of a toddler ghost boy, her freedom becomes unimportant as sleuthing brings her into the crosshairs of the child’s murderer. 
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9 comments

  1. This sounds like an interesting story, but your logline left me with a few questions. I’m not sure why being harassed by the vet would stop her being granted emancipation (or, for that matter, why the vet is harassing her). Is she in foster care? Is the vet breaking into her foster home? Or is it her original home that she’s sharing with a family member?
    But I think you could solve most of that by just leaving out the second sentence altogether – If you could work a reference to the emancipation hearing into the first sentence, (maybe instead of saying it’s her “heart’s desire”), then go into the bit about her solving the child’s murder, I think you’d have a pretty strong logline on your hands. Remember – you don’t have to spell out the whole story, just enough to hook an agent/editor’s interest.
    Hope this helps.

  2. The second sentence confused me as well. I agree that you could leave it out and use the space to add something about the ghost. Also, consider changing ‘toddler ghost boy’ to ‘ghost of a toddler’ or just ‘investigates the death of a toddler’

  3. This sounds interesting, I just wonder how Sarah communicates with Shadow. I’d definitely read on, but hope that the story quickly addresses how she knows her dog sees ghosts and how that information is conveyed to Sarah. I also agree with everything everyone else has commented. (That second line threw me off too, i had to read it a couple of times.) Good luck!

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