Logline Critique 20

Title: “Nick Stevens, Chef of Destiny”

YA Urban Fantasy

When Las Vegas teenager Nick Stevens gets a job at a hotel that caters to creatures from other dimensions, he must learn in a hurry how to cook, how to fight — and how to handle a girlfriend who might not be entirely human.

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7 comments

  1. This made me laugh and want to read more! I think the setting is great. I love the idea of this hotel. While I think the logline immediately grabs the reader, I also think it could be tightened up to really make it zing.

    I would change the “gets” to takes. You might consider naming the hotel here. I’m stuck on the line, “he must learn in a hurry.” There is something awkward about that to me that might be smoothed out by rewording or explaining more of the stakes. Why is Nick in a hurry to learn all of these new skills? I think the last bit about the girlfriend is strong, and I like all the information it conveys in just a few short words.

    You definitely have an intriguing premise!

  2. I agree with the others. This is a strong logline that just needs a few tweaks. You’ve got voice galore, but you could maybe up the stakes by saying what happens if he doesn’t learn to cook and fight fast. Will he just lose his job or also maybe his life?
    Good luck with this one! I hope to be able to read it one day!

  3. Just commenting to say that the idea of a ghost/paranormal hotel in Vegas is one of the most interesting I’ve seen in a long time.

  4. I think you’re off to a great start here! Interesting premise and you’ve done a good job setting up the voice and setting in just a few words. I also love the title. The only thing I think would make this stronger is to add a little about the stakes like K suggested. You could stick it at the end of what you’ve already got: ” . . . how to fight — and how to handle a girlfriend who might not be entirely human–or [insert stakes].” Good luck!

  5. I love your title! A short log line, but the voice is light and conveys lots of humor. I agree with other commenters. If you can throw in some stakes (steaks) for Nick, you’d have a more complete log line. Really well done!

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