Logline Critique 19

Title: The Adventures of a Boy and his Blob

MG Scifi Adventure

Laffey Acosta wants to survive fifth grade in a new school, but he has a strange name, and bullies are targeting new kids. The vice-principal thinks he’s bad news, and his parents are too busy divorcing to help. Laffey befriends a little blue alien blob that can give him flugerspumite, that is, superpowers. AND it can make broccoli taste like marshmallow! Of course, alien blobs have goals of their own.

 

Advertisements

8 comments

  1. Sounds quirky and fun! Very real problems for the ‘new kid’ in school but how does he meet/befriend an alien? And maybe change the alien’s ‘goals’ to agenda.

  2. This story sounds great, quirky and fun. I think you could tweak your logline just a bit to strengthen it. You use “new/news” 3 times in the first 2 sentences, and I think you could smush them into one sentence: “All 10-year-old Laffey Acosta wants is to survive fifth grade in his new school, but bullies are making fun of his strange name, his vice-principal thinks he’s a bad seed, and his parents are too busy divorcing to help.” I’d also give a little segue between it and the next thought “He thinks his problems are solved when he befriends a little blue alien blob that can give him flugerspumite, that is, superpowers (including making broccoli taste like marshmallow!) Of course, alien blobs have goals of their own.” And while this is really strong, a hint at what the alien’s goal is (taking over the world? turning the world’s broccoli into marshmallow to make everyone fat & juicy?) and/or detailing Laffey’s choice : (let the alien turn his brain into goo or go back to being bullied) would make this already strong logline even stronger.
    Good luck with this!

  3. K. Callard took the words write off my keyboard. Something like:

    “All Laffey Acosta wants is to survive fifth grade in a new school, but with a name like Laffey, a vice-principal who thinks he’s bad news, and parents who are too busy divorcing to help, that may not happen. Then Laffey befriends a little blue alien blob that gives him flugerspumite, that is, superpowers (AND it can make broccoli taste like marshmallows!). Of course, alien blobs have goals of their own…like ____insert goal____.”

    Just an idea to condense a bit!

  4. This made me laugh and I think you nailed your genre- broccoli can taste like marshmallows – LOL! I also like the idea that the blob has its own agenda, but how bad is the agenda for our narrator. What’s at stake? Life or death? Embarrassment (which can seem like death for this age group)? Or something less sinister and more light-hearted?

  5. I’m missing what the stakes are. What is at risk? It sounds like a fun story but there is no conflict shown in the pitch.

  6. Good comments above. One tightening tweak, “Laffey befriends a little blue alien blob that can give him flugerspumite, that is, superpowers. AND make broccoli taste like marshmallow!” Just lose the “it can” from the sentence above. Not sure it’s grammatically correct, but it is tighter. Love the story idea. I suspect the book title could be stronger, as is it evokes a fat kid. 😦

  7. I agree this sound like a fun read. I would almost skip the line about bullies since you already have three strikes against him with his name, vice-principal and divorcing parents. For me the alien sounds great but the last line is almost plopped out of the sky. It seems like you’re trying to end with a a bit of suspense which is great but it would be even greater to give a hint at the agenda–is it dangerous, exciting, world-threatening? Good luck!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s