Logline Critique 17

Title: The Tides of Time and Chance

Adult Historical Romance

Captain Hastings hates his lucrative but brutal privateering job and plans to settle down and start a family, if his possessive mates and the infatuated daughter of his boss, Jamaica’s governor, don’t get him killed first. And if he can resign himself to marrying the only girl he’s ever loved, who isn’t typical wife material. Hell, she’s not even fully human.

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5 thoughts on “Logline Critique 17

  1. Not fully human?! That’s the most interesting part. I don’t know if you want to bury that. I want to know more about the inhuman wife. Is she the reason he keeps privateering? And why resign himself? I can’t quite tell what the story is. I thought it was a straight up pirate adventure-romance at first. Is she a demon? A were-jaguar? Inquiring minds want to know.

  2. This is an interesting logline, but I’m a bit confused. This says “Historical Romance,” but then you refer to the fiancée being “not fully human,” which implies Fantasy. I also think you tighten the wording of the first sentence – I stumbled a bit while reading it.
    Also, a general comment, “Captain Hastings” is the name of the narrator in many of Agatha Christie’s Poirot books, so it hit me kind of strangely. I know there’s only so many names out there, but to me, it’s like you named your MC Dr. Watson. Just an FYI.

  3. This query contains a lot of really interesting nuggets of information, but for me, at least, the order and flow makes it hard to understand what is going on and the motivation and stakes of Captain Hastings. For instance, we first learn that Captain Hastings wants to settle down and start a family, but then the query closes by saying that he has to “resign” himself to marrying a girl that he loves. From the information we have, I’m not sure why he feels this way.

    A few thoughts on the query:
    Captain Hastings hates his lucrative (is this important enough to the story use in the query?) but brutal privateering job and plans to settle down and start a family, if his possessive mates and the infatuated daughter of his boss, Jamaica’s governor (I think you could cut this without losing anything and just leave it at boss), don’t get him killed first. And if he can resign himself to marrying the only girl he’s ever loved, who isn’t typical wife material. Hell, she’s not even fully human. (As others have already mentioned this is HUGE and it comes at the end. It makes me want to know more, which is good, but I think it can be integrated into the query.)

    If you’ll allow me the opportunity to rework a few lines:
    Captain Hastings is torn between his lucrative but brutal job as a privateer and settling down to start a family with the only girl he’s ever loved. When his possessive mates and his boss’s infatuated daughter threaten to derail his chance at , Captain Hastings must .

    I’m still stuck on how to integrate the fact that the girl he loves isn’t fully human. Maybe other reviewers will have some insights on that front. Either way, good luck! It does sound like a compelling story.

  4. This log line seems to be missing something. Maybe we need something about Captain Hastings to really draw us in. I like the last sentence, that was the most intriguing part of the log line, but I think some of the other stuff needs to be a little tighter. I think you have a lot of good advice here in the comments already, so I will merely wish you good luck!

  5. I found myself skipping over the first few lines and almost moved on – then, she’s not even fully human! Fully awake I went back and tried to make sense of the rest – still stumbling. Genre – Adult Historical Romance. Seriously?! I almost bought a Fantasy book here with this logline! So I’d make sure first we readers have the right genre – that would be frustrating if we found out later…
    Maybe it’s just a matter of rearranging the sentences:

    Captain Hastings hates his lucrative but brutal privateering job and plans to settle down (and start a family,) if he can resign himself to marrying the only girl he’s ever loved. Alas, she isn’t typical wife material.
    Hell, she’s not even fully human.
    Of course his possessive mates and the infatuated daughter of his boss, Jamaica’s governor, might kill him first.

    Don’t know. I’D understand it easier that way – and you have two lines to draw me in – the not fully human – and that he might get killed before he has a chance. Two intriguing aspects.

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