Logline Critique 15

Title: Transformations

NA Epic Fantasy

Living safely in Salem, Massachusetts is hard enough, but John Dent and his friends find that witches are the least of their worries when they are transported to a realm where real magic works. There they find that it’s not enough to merely survive their new reality, but they must somehow stop a disaster that threatens to destroy both Elilith and Earth.

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6 comments

  1. I think his logline is pretty good. You’ve definitely got stakes. It did raise a question or two for me, though. Is this historical? I’m just wondering why “Living safely in Salem, Massachusetts is hard enough”? I’m also curious about the new realm and who is doing the magic if “witches are the least of their problems”? I also think you could tighten this by being specific about the “disaster” that could destroy both worlds: is it a spell? a Buffy-style unleashing of Armageddon?
    Hope this helps.

  2. Sounds really interesting. Question: what’s Elilith? Is it the realm mentioned in the first sentence? If so, you can name it there to eliminate that confusion. Also, suggested rewrite for the last sentence to tighten it up a bit: “There they find it’s not enough to survive their new reality – they must also stop a disaster that threatens to destroy both Elilith and Earth.” Good luck!

  3. I enjoyed this premise and think you’ve hit the main points of the story. I agree with KC that the disaster could be spelled out. I also feel some redundancy with ‘where real magic works’. Either ‘where magic works’ or ‘where magic is real’?
    You’ve identified your work as New Adult. Is there anything you can put in your log to show this i.e.: recent college grad John Dent? Just thoughts. All in all, really great!

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