Logline Critique 14

Title: Son of Prophecy

Adult / High Fantasy

King Aderel hoped for an untroubled reign, hoped his soul-reading gifts and his passion for God might go unnoticed. Unquestioned. And untested.
But when a Nethmal raid breaks the peace treaty and exposes Aderel’s tainted parentage, the holy king must decide which course of action will save both country and soul: fulfilling a heretical prophecy, or striking a disastrous alliance with his Hell-sworn Nethmal Father.
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4 thoughts on “Logline Critique 14

  1. This logline is pretty good – the second part outlines the stakes nicely. I just feel like the first section doesn’t set up the second as well as it could. I think you need to explain a bit better what Aderel is hiding (is his kingdom pro-God? so he’s hiding his Hell-Sworn father? Or is he hiding his passion for God?). Also, both his choices seem to be anti-God (heretical prophecy vs. Hell-Sworn dad), unless his choice is to fulfill the prophecy by allying with his father, thus putting his soul at risk? I think if you could clarify these you’d have a great logline!
    Hope this helps, good luck!

  2. A very intriguing set up! I’m interested in this holy king’s alliance with some hell-sworn creepy guy! It’s a great conflict you got going on there!

    But I’m curious as to why he has to hide his religious beliefs? Is this a heretic kingdom? Will they punish him if they find out he loves God? How? While it’s good to raise questions (seriously, leave ’em wanting more!), I think if you can work THAT answer in somehow, the king’s overall motivations and dilemma will make more sense. You don’t want TOO many questions, after all.

    Good luck!

  3. I like this logline – interesting premise, I want to know more – but like the other commenters, it did raise a few too many questions. Mainly – why does he have to hide his passion for God and why are both his options seemingly anti-God? I think a few, carefully chosen words could solve the confusion. In my IMAGINED idea of the plot, your logline would sound something like:

    King Aderel hoped for an untroubled reign over his polytheistic kingdom. He hoped his soul-reading gifts and his passion for the One God might go unnoticed. Unquestioned. Untested.
    But when a Nethmal raid breaks the peace treaty and exposes Aderel’s tainted parentage, the holy king must decide which course of action will save both country and soul: fulfilling a seemingly heretical prophecy, or striking a disastrous alliance with his Hell-sworn Nethmal Father.

    Obviously I have no idea what the real story is, but I would do something like that to clear up a few more questions.

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