Logline Critique 10

Title: Shadow Bloodlines

YA Fantasy

Eighteen year old Bethany receives a mysterious text from her father not to go to school. Problem is he’s never contacted her before. She debates tracking down her deadbeat dad and telling him off, when strangers arrive in one of her classes and soon start hunting her.

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11 comments

  1. I like this logline, but I think you could go just a bit further to amp up the stakes and really catch a reader’s interest. Something like “When eighteen-year-old (hyphenated) Bethany receives a mysterious text from her dad telling her not to go to school, she doesn’t know whether to ignore or track him down and tell him off – after all she hasn’t heard from the guy in years. But when strangers show up in one of her classes hunting her, she must….(fill in what happens next and the stakes of failing -ie find her deadbeat dad before the strangers do, in order to save both their lives)
    Hope this helps. Good luck, it looks like an exciting story!

    • Thank you! She and her dad are shifters (have the abilities of their animals, but don’t change into them) She’s no idea until the hunters come.

      Great suggestions, I’m definitely going to use them.
      A.R. Cooper

  2. This sounds like an exciting read! What is Bethany going to do to stop the strangers from hunting her? Can you give us a hint why Bethany is a target? Is there something special about her or her past?

  3. I’m hooked. I actually raised my eyebrows when we’re told her father’s never contacted her before – it surprised me, and in a really good way. One nit: add hyphens in the age (Eighteen-year-old). Good luck!

  4. I like the premise of this story. The part about “telling him off” was less interesting. If you drop that and add. “…so why listen to him now? The next thing she knows strangers have shown at her classroom and she’s on the run and forced to seek out her deadbeat father.” Or whatever fate fits your storyline….

  5. Your logline hooked me in but I was even more hooked when I read your comments about Bethany and her dad being shifters. Maybe consider adding some sort of hint about the paranormal aspect into the logline? Even just adding a descriptive word in front of “strangers” might be enough.

  6. “Ooohhhh” – was my first thought here. I agree with everyone’s comments and only have one more thing to add….how do you hunt someone in a classroom? Other than that, it sounds intriguing and I definitely want to read more! Good luck!
    |

  7. I like the beginning very much – but it’s just the beginning. I’d like know something about the heart of the story. Yes, how does one hunt in a classroom and at least a hint about the girl and the nature of her struggle.

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