Logline Critique 1

Title: GAME FACE

YA Contemporary

If 17 year old professional tennis player Harper doesn’t let go of the wrong things in her life—mainly her sense of entitlement and her childhood sweetheart who also happens to be her sister’s ex—then the right things won’t have a chance to catch her. And that could cost her true love, her family and the US Open.

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5 comments

  1. I think this logline is pretty good. You lay out the stakes nicely, and give us a sense of the conflict. A couple of small adjustments: Seventeen-year-old should be hyphenated (I know it’s minor, but agents, editors, and Authoress will notice), and you might think about putting “who also happens to be her sister’s ex-boyfriend” in parentheses (), just to break up the thought – I found it a bit hard to read, and actually had to re-read that part.
    Hope this helps!

  2. I like this logline, but to echo what K. said, I think the parentheses would be good to break up the thought about her childhood sweetheart.

  3. I’d shorten “…mainly her sense of entitlement and her childhood sweetheart who also happens to be her sister’s ex—…” to “mainly her sense of entitlement and her sister’s ex—…” Packs a punch and saves a few words, which are kind of cliche anyway, childhood sweetheart, plus what 17 yo thinks that way? He’s her boyfriend. My 2 cents.

  4. This logline caught my attention right away. I think you’ve done a good job setting up the stakes in very few words. I agree that seventeen-year-old should be spelled out and hyphenated, and I like the comment about shortening “her childhood sweetheart who also happens to be her sister’s ex” to just “her sister’s ex.” If you feel that removes too much, you could try changing “childhood sweetheart” to “boyfriend” (I’m a little confused as to how he’s her childhood sweetheart AND her sister’s ex when she’s only 17) and putting “who also happens to be her sister’s ex” in parentheses. With a few minor changes I think this one will be great! Good luck!

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